It is 1:57 AM on a Sunday night/Monday morning, and I have just eaten a small Fuji apple. This is very unusual for me. Not the insomnia part, unfortunately, but the apple. I am trying to live my life better, but I'm not doing such a great job. The apple, I think, was my attempt to counteract all the negative shit I put myself through, not just tonight, but EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Don't worry; I really am going to tell you my 'dirty little secrets' today (still tonight for me). I have to, or I'll implode. Plus, as they say, "we're only as sick as our secrets." Once they're not secrets . . . who knows? There may be hope for me and my life yet . . .
Have you ever been in therapy? (I have, but I also live in L.A., where nearly everyone has). The way it often goes is this: you go in, planning to focus on some issue in your life that needs resolution, and the first few sessions with your therapist are fairly 'safe,' getting to know each other, talking about that main issue in a kind of intellectual way, seemingly delving into the whys and wherefores of the thing . . . and then if you're lucky (that is, if you really want to change your life), maybe around the 4th session . . . well, all hell breaks loose, and suddenly your neat little issue explodes into at least 50 inter-related and very messy problems that you have absolutely NO IDEA how you will ever pick up off your therapist's nice, clean floor, much less solve.
That is precisely how I feel right now. I thought I was going to blog my way into a thinner me and, along the way, become healthier, get pregnant, carry that pregnancy to term, and live happily ever after as a slim (NOT skinny), healthy mom. I thought I could keep this blog somehow uplifting, both for myself and any possible readers, and, though I was intending to keep the main focus weight and health issues, I also thought I would be addressing other "issues" from a more positive frame of mind than I had in my previous, short-lived blog.
Well, folks, guess what? It's our 4th session. I've been wanting to write for days now, even through 3 migraine headaches in one week, but I couldn't. I didn't seem to know what I wanted to say. Tonight it finally occurred to me: I need to be brutally honest, even though I am terrified of doing so. Perhaps the migraines were my body's way of telling me to get this crap out of my head and into the world, where perhaps I can DO something about it all. In no particular order, here goes . . .
1. I have Bi-Polar Disorder, which I think of in the far more descriptive, older terminology: manic depression. It went undiagnosed until I was around thirty, by which time I had done some pretty reckless, sometimes funny, sometimes scary and self-destructive, things in my life, and had also achieved what some think of as quite a bit of success in my field (several graduate degrees, etc.)
2. As if that were not enough, I suffer (and it really is suffering, if you've ever experienced it) from chronic, free-floating anxiety, sometimes only mild, usually moderate, too often full-blown panic attacks.
3. I had a physically and emotionally abusive first marriage. I'm only now, more than 15 years later, beginning to admit the trauma of that. I don't think I've actually freed myself from the demons of it, though. And I'm pretty sure there are demons from that era that still lurk . . .
4. I want to have a baby so much, always have . . . but I can't seem to carry a pregnancy to term, though I've been pregnant several times. It's been a while now, but I am terrified of having another miscarriage, losing another baby. I am more terrified of not ever getting pregnant again, having turned 40 a few months ago. I know women are having their first babies into their forties these days, and my own mother had me at 41 . . . it just doesn't seem to help that I know these things.
5. My husband and I realize that it's time to get back on the baby ride, but there's one other MAJOR thing holding me back. Remember the mental health issues I mentioned? Well, I take medications to keep them under control, and to keep me functioning in a relatively normal way. I am being weaned off them by my doctor (who's great, by the way), but the one that's holding up the baby effort, holding ME up, is the one I take for anxiety. Not only am I physically addicted (I've never said that before; I didn't like saying it. At all); more importantly, and terrifyingly, I am psychologically addicted. I do not know how I will get through the day, my life, the anxiety I feel so very often, especially when I have so many real worries: no money (many times it's not even hand to mouth); fertility worries; an elderly mother with whom I'm super close, but whom I am solely responsible for (no siblings, no other family anywhere close by); the stupid but really upsetting fights with my husband that happen way too often; our two kitties' healthcare needs that are going untended due to lack of money (they're indoors and eat healthy food, but still . . . I worry . . . are ya noticing a pattern?); my feelings of spiritual disconnection, and on and on and on . . . I think if I could have some success in the weight department, that would help me to tackle other things. Not saying that losing weight would 'fix' my life, but I do have to start somewhere, and at this point, it seems the most manageable, and symbolic, place.
6. My apparent inability to keep a clean, clutter-free house. Again, I know lots of principles that should help in this area, but I can't seem to get off my butt and apply them. Everything just overwhelms me. I know, I know . . . babysteps . . . but I don't seem able to take a single one! And sometimes, if I do manage to take one or two . . . I get stuck again, and the sense of failure just makes me feel like things will never be right.
7. My fear and anxiety about my job. I seem to be doing so well at this new one (I usually start off this way, cuz I'm smart and personable, but then I get fearful, and I'm pretty sure it translates into incompetence; bipolar folk often have job issues because of their highly stress-sensitive natures), but I feel like the more responsibility they give me (which they are, at an alarming, though flattering, rate), the more I feel like I could, at any moment, fail. This is the one that's keeping me up tonight. I have a private session with two students in the morning, and I'm not sure it will go well at all. I don't feel prepared; my clothes no longer fit (since I regained 10-12 pounds of the 22 that I had lost, buying new clothes and making alterations along the way), so I have no clue as to what to wear . . . not indecision here, just reality; I'm not likely to sleep at all, so I worry about even being coherent and getting through the day; I can't even fathom the idea of showering, it seems so exhausting!
I also can't fathom the idea of continuing on this rant anymore tonight. (Doesn't mean I'll be going to sleep, though). I wasn't always like this, but I feel beaten down by . . . I don't know . . . years of struggle and loss. If you met me, I swear you wouldn't be able to 'tell.' I'm aware of the fact that I sound classically depressed, but when you're trying to have a baby, more meds is not the answer. I've meditated in the past, but I'm afraid (surprise!) to rely solely on that to bring me peace of heart and mind. Exercise? Another thing I can't seem to do, even a little (I think, 'what the hell's a little gonna do?). If anyone is reading this, I am grateful for your time and patience. I think I feel a bit better for having done this. I hope I haven't scared you away . . .
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3 comments:
As far as being scared away... HAHAHAHAHAHA I laugh at a good challange.. seriously.. Yes you have some big issues... Don't we all..??? Wether they have lables on them or not.. Anxiety, Bi Polar.. we all have them.. so first.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT seems to me.. that like me.. you might function better if you make a list.. attack each thing on that list.. positively and complete it.. One step at a time. Yes you can get off your butt and do it.. You can.. I promise.. Lets start with the easiest first and no the easiest is not your weight.. First lets start with the house.. ( I AM Little miss disorganized there so I am not a good role model..but if I was this is how I would do it) Pick one room.. one corner of that room.. and clean it.. move on to the next area and clean it.. before you know it.. the clutter is gone and the room is clean.. One day 1 room.. Continue that way until it is all done.. that way there is no stress no anxiety and when the task is done it is crossed off the list. You could make a list regarding what you want done in that room.. break it done complete the task check it off.. and in the long run it is a sense of accomplishment and it avoids the panic.. now bear in mind this comes from a woman who will open the dish washer remove 3 clean dishes.. run to the dryer that just dinged and start folding clothes .. leaving the dishwasher opened.. then on the way to put the clothes up I will see the mailman and run down the ( okay not run .. walk).. down the driveway.. and get the mail.. then after I sort the mail.. I will look at the dishwasher and go .. damn.. put up the dishes.. then realize I have a pile of clothes on the unmade bed that need to be put up.. then I think.. ohh wait I need to change the linens on the bed.. so I do that.. and still have the clothes to put up.. but OHH wait .. I want to check my email.. 1 hour later I still have the damn clothes to put up.. and I still have forgotten to put the other load from the washing machine into the dryer... WHEWWW>. that is a Saturday in the life of me.. just thought u should know that... We all have our worries and difficulties..but to me the best thing to do is always go after the easiest things and break them down and attack them.. acomplish and move on... As far as the pregnancy issue.. Find out everything.. the pros and cons of you getting pregnant.. thats the best thing to do.. Even if it is news you might not want to know.. at least you know.. and you know what they say KNOWLEDGE IS POWER..I know you want that baby I know how that is..Maybe you will have to go a different route.. but you need answers to fill those questions in your head.. Don't be afraid to know... Coco, just take it all one step at a time.. As far as the weight goes.. you are right it is managable but like everything else it is so loaded with challenge and road blocks and obstacles .. things you have to deal with every day... the good thing is.. we each control what goes into our mouths.. so that way it is managable.. keep a food log I do at Calorie-count.com. It helps... be kind to yourself.. be knowledgable to yourself..it sounds like you are for the most part. Give yourself a chance to succeed.. YOU CAN DO IT ALL .. but take it a step at a time.. I am hear to listen.. so are a lot of us!!!
I might be able to help a little in one area - email me with your dress size and I've probably got clothes I can give you to wear. I've got everything from 26 down to 12, so I'm sure I've got something in your size.
Coco! I can't tell you how often I've wondered where you vanished to. Good to see you back...
I am not bi-polar, but the anxiety thing... oh, that I can relate to. A simple conversation with my husband about him working to re-surface and stain the deck this summer leads me to imagining him injuring himself with the electric tools he'll need and bleeding to death in five minutes. These sorts of thoughts are - and have been for as long as I can remember - a daily part of my existence. I'm so used to them now that I don't even realize how truly fucked up they are most of the time... and much of the time I can successfully brush them away, like I might a fly or mosquito.
Other times, though... other times, I get so freaked out I have a full-blown, can't breathe (except I can) anxiety attack.
I have survived for all these years unmedicated. I have refused to let the anxiety rule my life... my grandmother has this type of anxiety. Her mother did, too. As my mother spends more time closer to her own mother, I see her picking more of it up - and see, there's the thing... my grandmother did a lot of "raising" me. I learned to be afraid of everything.
I still struggle, but my desire to be free of the bonds that hold so tightly to her is strong, and I fight to keep myself as stable as possible... still, it take a lot of effort, a lot of control. More than I imagine it should... but it's such a defining part of who I am, since it's been there always... who would I be without this anxiety?
Sort of like the fat, huh? Who would I be without this fat? I've been this "fat girl" pretty much my entire life, save a few short years when I still thought I was fat anyway...
Anyway, I did try Lexapro recently... and the whole wanting to get pregnant thing is partly why I didn't stay on it past my two week trial. My doctor told me there are anti-anxiety meds that can be used safely during pregnancy, and that so far Lexapro seems to be one - but that she's not yet comfy keeping pregnant women on it and would want me to stop asap once I got pregnant. She also told me that unlike most medications, you can just stop taking it with few to no side effects.
But I just can't take it now... I worry that if I do, and it works, the anxiety will only be so much more intense once - if - I do get pregnant... I worry about after a baby is born. I know I'm going to face a whole new slew of challenges related to my anxiety (opening scene of Terms of Endearment, anyone?).
I also know I will be a great mom. I might need some reminding - maybe even more therapy (and you are so right about the 4th visit to the right therapist, btw)... but I know that if I don't let the anxiety take over, I'll be a really great mother. It's what I've wanted for so long...
I'm so sorry to hear about your losses... I can't imagine how that must feel, but I know it has to make anxiety worse - just because I understand the nature of the beast so well.
Oh, and... I'm the worst housekeeper ever, which only feeds my anxiety and the bit of self-loathing that I haven't entirely squashed down. I had tried Fly Lady in the past and was just overwhelmed... I might sign up again after the move, once we get everything put away. I love the feeling of not being terrified that someone will need to come in and the house is a shit hole... but I never maintain it long. Maybe the key is to sign up when it's at the starting point I want to keep it at... guess we'll see.
I've rambled enough and I've got to get some sleep before the move. I'm just so glad you're back... I missed you!
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