Saturday, May 05, 2007

MOTIVATION FOLLOWS ACTION

Honest to God, folks, I thought that last post might be my actual LAST POST. Do you ever feel like there is no way to ever deal with all your problems because, even though you seem to be able to list them as separate items, they all meld into one giant impossibility of a mass that can in no way be dealt with individually . . . just as that sticky messy mass . . . seemingly impossible to pull apart into its parts and dealt with, as both experts and caring friends say . . . "one at a time"? That's pretty much how I was feeling, and even have still felt on more than one occasion, in the nearly two weeks since I last posted. I have written since then, but, of course, deleted it all. Why? Dunno. That perfectionistic thing I mentioned a while back.

I had also decided that the blogging community would not be able to handle seeing my guts on the page like that, and that perhaps I shouldn't have exposed them so graphically. And, if such were genuinely the case, I would not use this medium to write, since it is my goal to be completely honest here, ugly, pretty, or banal. I was truly shocked that anyone even bothered to comment on that post, and so lovingly at that. It is always such an incredible thing when one runs smack into the beauty and goodness of human beings, especially ones you only know 'virtually.' But perhaps that is an even truer way to know someone? At any rate, I feel that my 'internet' friends are real friends whom I care about, and who, astonishingly (damn, there's that pesky low self-esteem thing; swat that, will you?), care about me; the whole phenomenon is absolutely honest and satisfying and lovely. Thank you so much, Honi, Denise, and Mae. I cannot begin to describe the way you guys . . . your words, your generosity, your empathy . . . well, you guys helped lift me from a very dark place. And it's good to have a reference point (this blog) to look at and see that I don't always feel this hopeless and wretched. I think I just had to get all that stuff out at once, see it in black and white, send it out to the world at large . . . and survive. Guess what? IT DIDN'T KILL ME. Seeing my stuff out there, staring it down and not feeling it crush me . . . somehow, that was healing. Even more healing than writing in the journals I've kept since the age of five. It scared the hell out of me to do it, but the payback was this: at the very moment I hit "PUBLISH," I was relying on the tiny bit of faith I had left. That faith got me past the fear that I could not survive the exposure, to myself and to the world (I did!) . . . the fear that someone would say something mean (you didn't . . . God bless you!) . . . the fear that I would crumble, or perhaps just stay in the fetal position forever (I didn't!). It turns out I have more faith than I thought. Having well and truly purged emotionally, so clearly and publicly, I now feel ready to begin.

To that end . . . I am posting whatever comes out of my twisting, turning brain tonight, and I will feel good at having done so. And that's absolutely true, I'm finally noticing . . . that thing that happens when you feel as if you could not possibly do _________ (fill in the blank) . . . you could not even fathom the mere THOUGHT of facing that huge or miserable task . . . then, somehow . . . by accident, or on a dare to yourself . . . you do a TINY LITTLE BIT. And suddenly, you feel just a little motivated, just a little capable, of doing more . . . and so you do!!!

I recently had this epiphany at the toilet . . . not while on it, but as I washed my face near it. I noticed cat paw prints on the lid, and decided, since it wasn't the 'gross' kind of dirt usually found around toilets, that I would just clean it, right then & there . . . so I did!!! Then the lid looked so nice and white, I thought "hey, what if I clean another 'non-gross' portion, like the top of the water tank?" . . . so I did!!! Ten minutes later, I was done cleaning that toilet, top to bottom, and I was stunned at how easy it was, as well as proud of myself (I have been REALLY DOWN, peeps!).

Then I remembered something I read twenty years ago in an issue of Vogue that focused on successful people (mind you, this was back in the day when I did not lack motivation for ANYthing); I don't know why, but that quote has always stayed with me (maybe so it could kick me in the ass now?). It goes something like this (obviously, I'm paraphrasing; 20 years, folks . . . ): 'Motivation follows Action, not vice versa. Most people wait around to do something until they feel 'motivated,' but that's not the way it works. First you act, then the motivation to keep on doing that action builds.' This is babysteps, people! I have always known this, somewhere. How did I forget it? (I certainly have my theories, c.f. last post)

How can I use it now to create the life I want . . . and deserve? I think this blog will be key to succeeding, to creating the lifestyle I choose . . . re-discovering the parts of myself and my life that fell to the wayside when the terrifying swings of bi-polar took over and I stopped trusting myself . . . finding more ways to heal, after trauma and losses (I thought I'd already done this, but obviously there's still plenty more to sort through . . . like, with a bulldozer, maybe? <=] ) . . . visualizing the life I do want, what I'm willing to do to get there, what it will include . . . healthy, life-nurturing choices . . . spiritual centeredness . . . acceptance of my abilites and limitations, and being my best self in a way that, unapologetically, takes both into account . . . that loving connection I feel with my husband, whether we are a family of two or three or four . . . feeling good in my surroundings . . . feeling good in my skin . . . So I will continue to write. I will write my heart and soul out. Feel free to read. I will not hold back. I hope you don't either. ;~)

2 comments:

Honi said...

yay coco.. Just here for a few minutes.. I wanted to say hi so i popped on my blog and then went straight to yours because I was wondering how you were doing..
All is well . well sort of in my world.. Your post is perfect and that quote is right on target... First you act then motivation comes because u get to see what comes from those actions... its all good.. I love that..
well I am off to go help with dinner talk soon... ohh and gotta watch my AI and HOUSE...I love that show

FatMom said...

HOOOOOORRRAAAYYYY! I'm so excited, Coco! Being honest is the most wonderfully liberating thing. Welcome to the "other side!"